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[22 Dec 2008|03:00am] |
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This was an eternity ago.
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[31 Jul 2007|12:33am] |
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mood |
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Soul to squeeze |
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I've written a patch to control the thinking. It's almost done.
When it is complete, it should correct a lot of problems and make things a lot easier.
Unfortunately...there is no victory without sacrafice.
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| More than meets the eye. |
[17 Jul 2007|10:54pm] |
I find it ironic that today I can vote for the leader of the free world and fight and die in one of his wars, but I can't go out and buy a margarita.
Gotta love America.
Transformers was far more fucking epic than I ever dreamed it could be.
If you want to know, just ask. I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything.
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| Azshara's secrets |
[21 Jun 2007|11:14pm] |
I like being Khirzask a lot more than I like being Morgan.
:/
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[03 Jun 2007|01:02am] |
This journal is dying. I don't think I have anything left to say. I've said it all, I've ranted about everything, and I've made every vague metaphor that's possible to make.
It will remain, should I ever pick it up again, but for now it rests. Maybe for a week, maybe an hour, maybe forever. My little circle of livejournal posters and readers has grown small indeed.
Think of it as the end of The Truman Show. Pass the TV guide, change the channel, see what else is on. See what else is out there beyond those walls.
And in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight.
Take care, planet earth.
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| slow cheetah |
[25 May 2007|04:17pm] |
Everyone has so much to say
They talk, talk, talk their lives away
Don't even hesitate
Walkin' on down to the burial ground
It's a very old dance with a merry old sound
Looks like it's on today
The end is near. And I can't feel it.
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[18 May 2007|09:23pm] |
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Frontierland looks a lot like Orgrimmar.
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[15 May 2007|08:42pm] |
"It's not that I'm lazy, I just don't care. If I work my ass off and Initech ships a few more units, I don't see another dime. Then again if I do just enough to not get fired, I still get paid. Not to mention the fact that I have 8 bosses right now. So I guess my only real motivation is to not get hassled..."
Wildwood's media department is going to collapse, crash and burn without me next year and no one realizes it. Noobs. I've done more for that place than anyone knows, and only when I'm not around to do my invisible work will they realize how fucked they are. Oh well. In my opinion that place is going to shit anyways, and I'm leaving so I don't really give a flying fartbag.....
There is no measure to how much I don't want to work. With every fiber of being I despise it. And it's not that I'm a lazy douche, I just can't get past the fact that it will all be meaningless in a few weeks. All this effort - wasted. All this energy - thrown away.
This is the final insult.
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| Astral Recall |
[07 May 2007|10:17am] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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music |
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Dragonforce |
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If there's one thing I hate more than anything else, it's futility. Pointlessness. Meaninglessness. I despise it.
I hate futility more than bad drivers, people who smoke cigarettes, shows on Animal Planet, and Macs all combined. In fact, if you add up all the things I hate it wouldn't even come close to how much I loathe futility.
Time is limited. You may say you have all the time in the world, but when people say that it's mostly just to be a wiseass. You don't have all the time in the world - in fact you don't have nearly as much time as you think. And to waste it by doing something stupid or pointless...something futile..........well it just bothers the hell outta me. It's like, look what you've been given. Look at the life you've been granted. You only get one shot. Hell, you're only young and free for a small fraction of that one shot. And to throw it all away on meaningless shit is damn near a crime against humanity.
6 years ago I signed on to an experiment. I committed to being the subject of a new idea in the form of education - what was, on paper, a revolutionary redesign of the traditional view of high school. And, for a time, it was good. The system worked. For a time. But now it has all but fallen apart. I know this probably a common rant for people around our age, but screw that. What I think is wrong with this place could fill several books. I've been surrounded by futility for 6 years and I'm almost done with it. Forever. But while I'm leaving this hellhole in exactly one month, the damage will go on. If this place has taught me anything it's to not waste time. To not occupy yourself with pointless tasks. Busywork, some may call it. Because in the end all you get is older.
Maybe in our lifetimes, maybe not; but eventually..hopefully, people will realize the error of their ways. All we can do is pray that someone will come up with a better way. Shit, maybe I'll have to do it if no one else will. But still something needs to be done. This isn't fair to the millions of young adults who get put through this system every year. I have seen some of the fun that life can be, and to kill it with unintelligent mindless work is just an atrocity. How can we alllow this to happen? Doesn't anyone else see this?
Oh well. For the time being it's out of my control. It's not worth the hassle to enact the changes required to really make a difference. Rocking the boat for the sake of rocking the boat. And they'd never listen to us, anyway. They sit there plotting, their elitist heads crammed so far up their asses you can't see where their asses ends and their necks begin.
Too bad they'll never see us laughing.
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| Suddenly I see |
[04 May 2007|04:14pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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Boston |
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I know I should be sadder about leaving high school.
I know it should be hitting me harder that the vast majority of these people I've finished growing up with, I'll never see again.
And yet...June 8th couldn't come sooner. Right now I'm laughing in the face of my work. Literally, it's funny to me. The last month of high school so useless that it's hilarious.
Prom is soon. Shit.
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| Of the weekend |
[30 Apr 2007|05:57pm] |
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Two hundred and fifty bucks. No way in hell.
While you all were out polluting your lungs, I slept. Screw you.
you can get it all on bittorrent, anyway. Everyone knows that.
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| This is all that remains |
[22 Apr 2007|11:57pm] |
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mood |
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bah |
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music |
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whitesnake |
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Ughhh what a weak, stupid weekend.
I'm at the point to just pay someone off to ignore the fact that I have to do my exhibition. I will give you a decent sum of money to graduate me early and not have to worry about me ever again. It's not like it would really cause a problem--you don't have to put up with me anymore and I get to be free. Win win?
Maybe I'm just still pissed off because I wasted my weekend on a doomed camping trip with some dysfunctional, weird relatives. "Aren't they all?" you might ask, and I'd say Yes, to a certain extent....but when they're trying to survive in the wilderness (and not look like complete morons), then the dysfunctionality goes wayyyy way up. Lucky I had my headphones because they all snore like fucking bulldozers.
I shouldn't be so harsh. It was for my odd little cousin's 13th birthday and the poor kid needs some excitement in his life because his parents sure as hell don't give it to him. But still I can't help but be a little hostile. Not towards him or even towards anyone else...just in general. The world sucks balls, and I don't like the fact that it sucks said balls.
Prom is coming. Color me indifferent. Prom is way too much hassle for what it's worth. Hey! Let's all go rent expensive suits, ask a member of the opposite sex to be your "date" and go to some random place that probably won't be very interesting at all. Great idea! To what end? I don't get paid anything...hell, I have to pay them damn near $200. Not including the suit. All that money so I can go stand around and talk. The after party, ok fine that will be sweet pretty much no matter what happens, but can I just skip the event? Is it horribly and unforgivably antisocial of me to want to fast-forward past all this prom nonsense?
And no, it's not just the date factor.
I don't want to do anything. I certainly don't want to edit together music concerts or plays to pass high school (which is basically what it boils down to). And I really don't want to get out of bed tomorrow. Meh. Meh with a capital M.
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[20 Apr 2007|09:38pm] |
So drink your gin and tonica,
And smoke your marijuanica,
And if you really really wannica,
Have a happy happy happy happy
4/20.
I don't partake in the rituals of the day, but if you do just have yourself a good time out there doin' it.
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[18 Apr 2007|07:42pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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Stadium Arcadium (the whole album) |
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"Get up, it's time to go to school."
"...but I don't have to. No classes."
"Yes you do, of course there's work you can do."
"Noo I want to sleep in!"
"Not today, you're going to school"
...oh wait. You're getting me up early so I can go to school and sit in the library and play world of warcraft? I'll get my stuff...
That's mostly what my days are like. Not a bad gig.
In other news I need to start thinking about prom. I don't want to think about prom. It's lame and overpriced. But there will probably be a sweet afterparty, so I guess I have to go. Bah. Next.
This just in, I've decided where I'm going to go to college. After a fierce battle to the finish between 3 competing schools, UC Santa Cruz has been awarded the honor of being my home for the next 4 years starting this September. Great place, awesome campus, excellent engineering department...and other benefits. Plus I like the area. Nice. Originally I had anticipated going to CU Boulder, but their engineering program is way hard to get into. So I'd have to take a year of lame boring classes just to get good grades and apply to engineering with no guarantee that I'd get in and be able to declare a computer science major. At leat one year of life gambled, a risk I decided not to take.
Let's see...what else, what else.....oh, a bunch of my friends have gotten me hooked on world of warcraft. For better or for worse, it's a chance to play together. And Dan got banned for using a bot (computer program that playes the game for you), so that's hilarious. Owned? Yes.
And to end our program this evening, tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of meeting a special person. We've both come light-years in that one year, but I am grateful to have met her as she is a cool person the likes of which are few and far-between. That whole college-case studies night was completely pointless, other than that chance meeting. Maybe that means it wasn't so useless after all. I'll take her up on that offer to call her tomorrow. Maybe I'll ask her to prom.......
And that's all the time we have. Tune in sometime soon, at probably a similar place but not necessarily the same time. Good night, and stay classy San Diego.
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| what lies beyond the world... |
[11 Apr 2007|07:49pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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Amish Paradise |
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I feel like such a dork. If there was some concoction of dork, geek and nerd...that would probably describe me. Perhaps they'll call it...well, those words don't really combine into anything clever.
I miss life. I miss living and I miss feeling alive. This whole year has been so autonomous and synthetic. The last time I really felt alive was months ago...on and around September 20th, 2006 when I stood at the top of the western world. After that I've felt empty. Fake and vain. It started slowly; having to sacrafice good grades for sleeping and eating. And that's after 50 hours without sleep and 16 hours without food...when the body is at its limits and the mind wants to go on--the host is torn apart. System crash.
Happiness is arguably the most important thing of all. In life, in love, in work, in play...if you're not happy things just suck. Sure, you can look around and laugh at something once in a while but it's largely hollow. It's meaningless and you know it. And I tell myself that I'm happy and that life is good, for the simple reasons--reasons like Lost being on tonight or Spider-Man 3 coming out soon or even school being over in a few minutes. These little things keep me going, keep me distracted enough to realize just how unhappy and displeased I am with life. Senior year has been a joke. Wildwood's last great year was 2005-2006. It will never be as free and innovative as it once was, because it will never be new again. I'm so glad to be getting out of there and I genuinely fear for those left behind.
But I digress. Persons who shall go unnamed have convinced me to get into Warcraft and the World thereof. Needless to say, I'm hooked. But besides just wanting to be able to play on a common ground with my friends...why am I now hooked on this game with mediocre graphics and stutters when I play it (usually)?
The answer is simple, lame, sad and too true. In order to get more powerful in Warcraft you pursue quests. Journeying to the far corners of the World to do something. To complete a purpose.
Right now I'm devoid of purpose. An ambiguous purpose exists for me on paper, but even those who created it admit that it's meaningless. The teachers and admins are fighting and arguing and in their distracted states they're making us do absolutely pointless shit work. And don't try and say that I should "think about how it might help down the road" or "consider another perspective", because that only works with something that was planned out and makes you do something you don't normally like to do. But the fundamental difference is that those sort of things lead to a greater purpose - you can see what you've accomplished, even if it sucked. These essays I have to write get maybe glanced over quickly and filed away in a huge black binder never to be seen again. A binder that I'll probably burn. And yet they determine whether or not I'm capable of entering the world and modern society. Tell me how that makes any sort of sense.
Currently I have no purpose. No direction. Fuck, I haven't even made up my mind as to with college I want to go to. I have 3 great choices but I can't bring myself to decide. And it's not that I prefer one location over the other or the courses over the other or any other factor...they're all roughly equal in that regard. I can't decide because I have no direction right now. I'm stuck between going off and having an awesome time at college and doing work that means nothing in high school. Yet one prevents the other, and thus college is left hanging out in the cold. Pitiful. I hate it.
Figuring out where I want to go will probably come down to picking an option and running with it. You can work out all the tactical details to accomplish any task, but if the task means nothing then...why even do it? Why waste the limited time you have on this earth to do something that's so small and pointless that it just makes you depressed an unhappy? Where did we go wrong? Why am I here even think about this? Why can't I just keep my head down and get up every morning and be happy?
I'll probably think myself to death one day.
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| Can't stop the signal |
[06 Apr 2007|04:46am] |
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music |
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blink 182 |
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NO.
Stop the ignoring. Stop the suppression, stop the deliberate ignorance and stop all the blocking and leveling. It's destroying me.
Spring break is supposed to be fun. That's why it was invented (or so I assume). People were screwing off and not getting anything done, so the powers that be designated 2 weeks for rest, recooperation, and of course crazy wild partying, gallons and gallons of beer and wet t-shirt contests.
Right. That. How fun.
But here we are, and the past 2 weeks have completely sucked balls. Why? Because I've had too much time to think. I'm starting to wonder if I'm like Cortana - a finite lifespan determined only by brain density. Cortana will die by literally thinking herself to death: acquiring so much information that finally her core consciousness overloads. Every thought is linked to a hundred more, and each hundred a hundred more.
Infinity is a terrifying concept. In fact the human brain cannot comprehend it - you basically get an "undefined" error between your ears. See, you can comprehend a really huge number, like 400 trillion or even 10^400-trillionth power. That's a fuckin' huge number, but it's still a number. Eventually you would get to the end of it. But infinity...is impossible to comprehend. You can comprehend the concept of it, but not infinity itself. And if you try you'll go insane.
But that hardly ever happens with a healthy brain. The brain has a lot of traps in place to stop you from ever trying to fully comprehend infinity. But I digress.
The past 2 weeks I've done nothing. Sure I've done stuff during the day, like watch TV, go on the internet, walk around the complex and go in the pool, but these events are nothing. They are meaningless. And I've done them all before. I'm creating the same memories. Duplicates. And in doing so I've come very close to losing perception of time.
In an ideal situation every day is different. Technically every day is different, but sometimes not different enough to register. If you have too many days that are exactly the same you lose track of time. You forget how to comprehend time. You forget your birthday, the order of the months, even the days of the week. For all you know it could be any year you've lived, because you're remembering and creating the same memories. The brain can't tell the difference between memories and real experiences. Data is stored in the brain which recreates sensory input, like sounds, sights, smells, etc. These are memories. We experience the world through the 5 (sometimes 6 or more) senses, and the brain records those sensor inputs as memories. Yet it can't tell the difference between what was recorded years ago and what is being recorded right now. It's the same data...and when it's recorded again the brain does not know when it exists. And you forget how to comprehend time.
But still I digress.
I've had too much time to think. I've realized again how empty my life can be and how boring it is. The same shit, the same TV, the same everything. It's the rant I've been milking since the beginning. I guess I'm just ready for college. For real change. Now I just need to make up my damn mind and pick a school. 4 choices, all awesome and all completely different. Can it get any worse. You'd think it's great having choices, but it's the worst feeling in the world. How do you know what's right? If you fuck up you can't just quit and load your last checkpoint and try again.
And tonight I've started something which could make everything a lot worse. Like so many things...it seems awesome at first, but will it lead to the downfall of everthing I've been working for? It's no different than some sort of nasty drug. What have I done?
Memories are the worst thing. I remember the strangest things...and suddenly it's 12 years ago and nothing matters. No cares, no worries, pure innocence. Pure bliss. There's never any going back, we know that, but even if you could....would you? Look how far you've come now. Would you really go all the way back? Look at what you have now.....would you really throw that away for a few years of being 4 feet tall and feeling invincible?
Well, so ends this one. Maybe it's boredom. Maybe I need a significant other. Maybe I'm insane. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I think a little too much.....and destroy my brain from the inside out.
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| impending doom |
[30 Mar 2007|12:04am] |
I knew it.
I knew this was going to be a trainwreck, and lo and behold...here comes the train.
It's too different. Even if we force the fact that it's a parallel universe, it's going to look shitty and out of place. All we've been planning, all we've been working towards is going to fail. I guarantee it.
It's too soon. What's done is done, and we can't go back in time and change a fuck-up, but on the same note we can't fly blindly into failure. None of them see it...they think we can just shoot around it, angle the camera in such a way as to disguise it, but it won't work. Tomorrow night when we look at the footage and plan our shots it's going to become painfully apparent.
Fuck me it's all my fault. I could've prevented this. We all could've. We're all to blame. This damage will heal itself in time, but it's still too early. And now...now it's hopeless. Disaster cannot be averted this time. Like the Titanic--you can't miss the iceberg.
So save as many as you can.
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| Notice |
[27 Mar 2007|07:26pm] |
Due to an act of terrorism, I will be remaining in or very close to my apartment for the next two weeks.
You don't need to know what happened, only that it was catastrophic beyond anything in recent history. As a result I am physically unable to venture outside for the next two weeks.
Let it be noted that this was not the result of any actions on my part; rather a disasterous error and operator incompetence. A full military response is underway, but no nuclear bomb can reverse time.
If you need to reach me, you should know how.
Take care of yourselves in my abscence,
MC
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[21 Mar 2007|08:21pm] |
Finish the fight.
2 more days.
Finish the fight.
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| I read your file. I know what you did in Denver. |
[19 Mar 2007|10:56pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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the night |
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Oh, where WHERE do I begin?
4 days remaining. Screw the nostalgia I'm going to feel, get me the hell out of here. I am so sick to death of this damn hellhole I could puke an elephant. And I might just deliver that literature paper with a big brown token of my appreciation to go along with it. Are you insane? No..I'm not joking with you here, are you actually insane? Do you really expect me to give two shits about your paper with 4 days left in highschool FOREVER? Can you even begin to comprehend? Don't answer that.
But enough cynicism. All this shit down near the end has made me so incredibly hostile and I've been an asshole to just about everyone for no reason at all. Yes, I don't like to take shit from people and you'll know when you've gone too far, but sometimes lately even I'm surprised and a little disappointed at the animal I've become. Hopefully a long (really long) rest will do me good.
I plotted it out at the beginning of the year and now I see my work come full circle. So many people, blindly charging into love and relationships at far too late a time to escape the inevitable. I can only shake my head, smirk and say I told you so. Though sometimes that just doesn't quite cut it.
If you're going to mix business and pleasure, do so in that order. In a tactical environment you are selfless. You are an individual, now and forever. You have no committments outside of your duty. You have no one they could ever turn against you. Or hold hostage and use for leverage. You don't date, you don't hook up, you don't even go out very often. You have a duty, and it's larger than you could ever be. The minute you open up, the minute you show even the slightest weakness to emotion or feeling...then you are compramised. As Leonidas said, the Phallanx only works because every man in it is immaculate. Every man is perfect, every man is identical and every man is strong. Together they can hold back the force of a million. But if one, just one hesitates or stumbles...the Phallanx collapses. And all is lost.
I live above love and relationships not because I'm incapable or anti-social or hate everyone, but because if I slip up even the slightest amount, I'm finished. A security risk, a source of pain, a distraction. All of those things are reasons on their own.
If you think you can prove me wrong, then I accept your challenge. I'll show you me, but I don't know if you'll like it.
I did this whole thing out of neccessity. I was out of options and it was the only way to survive. If I didn't act when I did, I wouldn't be here today. Renaissance almost saw the desctruction of all that hard work, but I was able to stop in time. And as a result, that wall is thicker than ever.
I'll work with you. I'll explore, I'll compramise, I'll make an effort. But know that where I'm going...there may only be room for one. That is...unless you can turn the wheel before we reach the edge.
Who knows...I could just be looking destiny in the face.
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